29th August 2019

BREAKING NEWS: Sea Pigs Exist And They’re Giving Us Nightmares

Ok, maybe I lied with the breaking news, but it’s news to me, and we need to talk about it.

During my daily scrolling into the deep dark recesses of Google’s most disturbing holes / debating a pirate’s hypothetical sea-farm, I found myself feeling scared, horrified and quite frankly, disturbed.

Sea pigs exists, and they’re f**king weird.

Pigs have been hidingĀ  a deep dark secret for many, many years

You may think you know the pig, whether that be from visiting them at your local farm or munching down on their back flesh on Saturday morning, but let me tell you…you are WRONG.

Pigs are actually a lot more spicy than the pork your white granny fails to season each roast dinner.

Turns out they’ve got a seafaring cousin, and well, it looks like an alien.

Image result for seapig

Get out the water immediately!

Sea pigs are secretly living in our waters and I think they’re going to take over

You may read sea pig and think “oh, hun, I know what you’re talking about.”

“You’re on about those pigs that swim about in the Bahamas and get exploited by rich influencers.”

Well, for the second time today, you are WRONG.

Sea Pigs essentially look like the love-child of Patrick and Squidward from Spongebob Squarepants (if such an utterly disturbing fanfic were to exist).

Horrifying.

The internet wants you to know that sea pigs aren’t the same as land pigs

Want to know more about sea pigs so you can make sure you stay as far away as humanly possible from their demonic presence?

Well, lucky for you, Youtuber Zefrank1 is ahead of the game.

In 2013 he created this handy guide to all things sea pig.

Thanks, Frank.

He also clarifies that you should probably not try and serve this type of pig with your fry up.

That would make for an interesting greasy spoon.

Fun facts about the freaky Sea Pig

  • They measure between 4 and 6 inches long when fully grown
  • Sea pigs march about on the seabed on 5 to 7 pairs of legs
  • The weird things on their head are not antennae, they’re more legs (why do they need so many?)
  • They gather in the hundreds to TAKE OVER THE WORLD…or just to eat at the best food spots

 

Got to go, off to buy myself a pet sea pig.

 

By Charlotte Ellis